I’m 32F and at this point I genuinely want to see if my small consensus is aligned with the true average or if I’ve just messed with the wrong dudes.
Why do so many guys seem to be more into rough sex and where the hell are they learning it? I don’t understand the appeal. If a girl is flat out all about it then more power to you guys, but I’m not and I run into situations where they try to push it on me.
I don’t understand what is so hot about treating women like objects when they are clearly not into it. I’m tired of being treated like I’m boring and at this point I’m almost self conscious about expressing what I like because of that. I typically do not hook up with people unless there is some form of a connection. I haven’t had to be in love with someone to still have sex that’s more on the intimate passionate side of things because of the general connection made.
The guy I recently saw which I’ll admit was very much more of a casual fling, he pushed my limits. He talked all about consent but then I’d say I don’t like this and that, but then do it again. It might seem like minor things and that’s why I tend to feel stupid about it but I don’t like my hair being pulled like they are trying to rip it out of my skull. I don’t want to be choked at all (grabbing my throat has been fine but not anymore after this guy because he almost choked me the first time, then did it harder a second time after I told him NO).
Because of this guy I want nothing to do with anything along the lines of rough. I don’t know what effect that night had on me but now I can’t shake it and I don’t even like it when guys try to talk about what they’d want to do to me. But again I feel so alienated for not being into that. I had sex the same way for over 5 years with my ex and we had an amazing sex life all because we just had crazy chemistry. All the great sex I’ve ever had didn’t need all this extra shit that kink brings into the picture.
EDIT: thank you for all the responses even though they were not what I was expecting. Not the part about opinions on rough sex versus intimate, but the suggestion that I was assaulted or abused. While I understand that he should have stopped pulling my hair after the first time, not grab my throat harder after I said it’s too much the first time, Im not comfortable claiming it was assault or abuse. To me (personally, because I’ll never define for someone else if they experienced either of those things) assault or abuse is when it’s completely forced. Was he persistent? Yes, but was I afraid or unable to leave the situation? No. It’s not to defend him but it’s to say that I do not feel like a victim and I do not want to be seen as one. That gives someone else power and he doesn’t deserve that kind of power over me or credit. I feel like this in comparison to the severity of abuse and SA that we see, this minimizes those terms. That’s just me, and I don’t want to use such heavy words when this doesn’t even touch the surface of what so many survivors have experienced.
I blocked him once he wouldn’t leave me alone. I told him he clearly doesn’t know what he wants and he doesn’t understand what consent actually is. He kept trying to text me as if we are talking as if we want to date, so I nipped that. I was never pursuing him. Please understand that I’d never pursue someone for a relationship in this manner or this kind of person. Out of 16 years of dating I’ve been monogamous for 10.5 of that, and I was never in abusive situations. I don’t want to say “that would never happen to me” but I feel confident in my ability to avoid dynamics like that in relationships. This was a one off thing, it’s a lot to explain as far as why (I’ve explained some in the comments) but I just feel that I have to accept responsibility for putting myself in that position.
I’m fully aware that his behavior is not rough sex. I believe that he only cared about what he wanted which was rough behavior but the act of persisting despite what I said showed that he doesn’t respect boundaries and he is either clearly confused about what rough sex is or it’s all he wants to do so he’s doing it whether I really like it or not. He might have been driven by my dislike for it although the second time he grabbed my throat he almost panicked, I got off him and he was like are you okay? Not that I hold much stock in that but I haven’t described him as a person and I personally feel like it’s inexperience and being an idiot, but that’s just me.
Again I appreciate the support and I’m at least glad to see I am not overreacting, but please do not categorize this as abuse or assault because I don’t feel right doing that.